PROBLEMS WITH NATURAL ANGER
If we work and live around other people,
we get angry about twenty times every day.
And yet many people would swear they seldom get angry at all.
We tend to be so afraid of our anger that, as a culture, we pretend it isn’t there.
OBSTACLES
Our anger is there to protect us and to help us overcome obstacles to what we want.
But if we are too afraid to use it, we become our own obstacle.
ANGER AND GUILT
The biggest problem with anger is guilt.
Since we have been taught that anger is bad,
we pretend that we aren’t angry and claim to be “hurt” instead.
This waters down the intensity of our anger,
greatly complicates our attempts to get what we want,
and ultimately sets us up as “victims” or “martyrs.”
FEAR OF RAGE
Intense anger is called rage.
It is so intense, that it begs for a physical release.
It is very common to think about violence when we feel rage,
but thought is not action
and violence is never necessary
(except to protect our lives, of course).
When You Have Violent Images, Remember:
- The images are only a fantasy, and it is normal to have them at times like this.
- You do not have to act out what you imagine, so there’s no reason for fear.
- Violent fantasies are just a measure of how angry you are. It’s good for you to know you are so angry.
- The fantasies are only telling you that you want to use your body to express all this anger. Go ahead! Hit a pillow, smash some old glassware, do anything that helps you to release all that anger – as long as it doesn’t physically hurt you or anyone else.
- When you are finished, you will feel relief.
- After the relief, decide what you are going to do about the situation that got you so angry in the first place.
PROBLEMS WITH UNNATURAL ANGER
Unnatural anger occurs when we think we are angry but we are actually
feeling some other feeling (sadness, scare, joy, excitement or guilt).
MOST COMMON PROBLEM
The most common problem is using unnatural anger to cover up both sadness and fear.
We all know some “grouches” or “chronic complainers.”
From our perspective on the outside, these people seem to be constantly angry.
They may yell, or say mean things, or simply complain all the time.
When you meet these people, know that they are not particularly angry!
(If they were really angry there would be a natural duration to their anger
and they would have been finished with it a long time ago.)
These people usually have suffered intense sadness and fear for years.
They gave up on life many years ago,
possibly after feeling abandoned by someone.
They are sad because they feel they’ve “lost everything.”
They are fearful because they think they have nobody to help them stay safe.
What they need is a close relationship with people they trust.
But, sadly, they will fight this off very, very well.
OTHER PROBLEMS
“I’m Afraid I’d Kill Someone!”
I hear this excuse for running away from anger all the time, usually from very kind people.
When I hear this, I usually ask:
“Well, would you?”
And they say:
“No, of course not!”.
And I say: “Then all you need to do is believe yourself….”
(Of course if you really are afraid you might kill or hurt someone
– yourself or anyone else –
stop reading this right now,
get on the phone,
and call a good therapist!)
“Who Do You Think You Are, Young Man!”
When children get angry at adults,
the adults frequently respond with
demeaning comments designed to
“put the child in his place.”
As adults, we need to overcome
this negative childhood conditioning
and reclaim our power.
Anger = Energy = Power
When we are angry we are feeling raw energy that is ready for use.
This is our power.
The only real decision we have to make is:
“How will I use all this power?”
Your anger is like a laser beam.
Aim it precisely where it will do you the most good.
A REMINDER
We all confuse our feelings sometimes.
If you thought you had a problem with anger but these words don’t fit,
your problem may be related to one of the other feelings.
Natural Anger
WHAT ANGER IS
Anger is a natural emotion or feeling.
We feel anger whenever we are BLOCKED from getting something we want.
It is good for us because it protects us from threat,
it reminds us that we have power to overcome obstacles,
and it gives us a measure of how important it is for us to get what we want.
HOW IT WORKS
Whenever we are blocked from something we want,
a part of our energy goes into feeling anger.
It can range from intense anger at being blocked from something important (like life itself)
to minimal anger at small blocks over slight wants.
Anger has a natural duration.
In other words, we will get over it within a certain amount of time
if we admit to it and express it.
If we don’t admit to it (if we deny that it’s there), we can feel “uncentered” or “crazy.”
If we don’t express it (if we keep it inside), it takes a much longer time to get over it.
Anger feels bad when we first notice it,
it feels good as we express it (by saying we are angry, raising our voice, etc.),
and it turns into guilt and depression if it’s denied.
Anger feels good to express whether we are alone or with others.
Expressing it with others is better only because
they may be able to help us make decisions about what to do with all that energy.
Anger is really just raw energy.
After we have admitted to it and while we express it
we feel a major boost in our energy level.
We all have one particular set of physical sensations in our body which indicate anger.
People feel anger in various ways and in various parts of their body.
The most common sensations are probably a tight feeling in the upper torso,
a “hot flash” or rush of warmth in the face and upper body, and jaw tightening.
Your sensation of anger may be one of these or it may be entirely different.
FEELING YOUR ANGER
It is vital to your emotional health to know how anger feels to you in your body.
So, right now, take a moment to remind yourself of the most intense anger you ever felt.
As you remember this day when you were
completely blocked from something you wanted very much,
ask yourself: “What do I feel in my body?”
(Once you recognize your own “anger place” in your body,
you can stop thinking about that day in your life.
Notice that you are able to let go of that memory
almost as quickly as you were able to remember it.)
It is very important that you admit to yourself that you are angry
whenever you feel this sensation in this part of your body!
As a matter of fact, you’ll need to get better and better at recognizing
even very slight sensations of anger, if you want to improve your life.
UNNATURAL ANGER
It is possible to believe that you are angry when you aren’t,
and to believe you are angry when you are really sad (most common),
or scared, or happy, or excited, or feeling guilty.
The “Split Second” It Started:
Real, necessary, natural anger starts as an immediate response to some event.
Unreal, unnecessary, unnatural anger starts in our minds, with a thought or fantasy.
If the anger was natural you will feel better as you admit and express it.
If it was unnatural you might feel a bit better from the release of energy, but not much.
If you don’t get relief from your anger, it probably started in your mind.
It is possible to simply stop unnatural anger (once you stop believing it’s real).
If you have trouble stopping it,
you are probably believing that you are angry
as part of some learned strategy for getting along in the world.
Some people call this manipulation, but that word implies that it’s done on purpose.
It’s really a way of coping, subconsciously, with life’s difficulties.
But feeling the pain of unnatural anger never works as a way of coping in the long run.
Depression: The Problem
WHAT MAKES US DEPRESSED?
We get angry about twenty times a day.
If we believe our anger is bad or that it’s scary to be angry, we keep it inside.
The unexpressed anger builds up.
It takes so much energy to keep it bottled up
that we get tired from all that effort.
And, since we are not using our energy to get what we want,
we miss out on many things.
The tiredness and the losses add up to make us feel
hopeless, lethargic, irritable, and sad.
This is depression.
We get depressed from saved up anger.
GUILT VS RESPONSIBILITY
Guilty feelings are the building blocks of depression.
Guilt is what we feel when we know we’ve made a mistake
and think we need forgiveness from someone else.
Responsibility is what we feel when we make a mistake,
learn from the mistake,
repair any damage as well as we can,
and forgive ourselves.
We feel guilt in the hope that someone else will get us off the hook.
In other words, we feel guilt to avoid responsibility for our own mistakes.
And we end up depressed.
SUBCONSCIOUS TRICKERY
We don’t feel guilty to change our behavior.
We feel guilty to avoid changing our behavior!
Think of an alcoholic who comes home drunk at 3 in the morning,
apologizes profusely the next morning,
and says she hates herself.
She is subconsciously trying to show that she “feels bad enough”
so her partner will believe she is sorry and forgive her.
(The partner would be wise to tell her to
stop all the apologies and the self-hate
and just say: “I need help to stop drinking!”)
SELF-PUNISHMENT AND DEPRESSION
For many people depression is self-inflicted punishment.
They actually say to themselves:
“I will make myself feel bad to pay for what I’ve done.”
HOW WE LEARN DEPRESSION
Think of a child whose parent just yelled at them: “You are bad!”
If the parent’s guilt-tripping works,
the child might cry in a brokenhearted sort of a way
and sit quietly for a long time feeling bad about themselves.
The self-satisfied parent might say:
“See, she feels so bad about herself
that I know she won’t do it again.”
But the child will do it again!
Why?
Because the child hasn’t learned a thing about her own behavior.
When parents punish too severely (physically or psychologically),
the child has no choice but to focus on the punishment
and forget the behavior the parent said was the cause of the punishment.
When the parent eventually stops the shaming,
the child will believe that feeling bad about herself is what saved her.
She has learned that in that family there are real advantages to being depressed.
Teaching a child the effects of their behavior
is much more difficult than making them feel guilty.
But it’s the only way to get them to change.
OVERLAPPING ANGER
The key to avoiding depression is to welcome and express your anger.
But what if so many things make you angry
that you don’t have enough time to express it all?
What if your new anger constantly “overlaps” with your old anger?
Most people who have overlapping anger
are living lives that are filled with mistreatment.
They are simply so badly treated that anyone would be depressed.
They will be depressed until they stop taking all that mistreatment.
Other people have overlapping anger because
they talk themselves into being angry
when they are really feeling something else (sadness, or scare, or even joy).
They need to learn how to handle the feelings they are avoiding
– and since they are so afraid of this,
they will probably need a therapist to help them.
Depression: What To Do About It
BE ANGRY OR BE DEPRESSED
Depressed people are angry people who don’t admit it to themselves.
They tend to say nothing when they should be saying: “Get out of my way!”
Anger is a natural emotion which occurs
whenever something is in our way.
We probably get at least a little angry
about 20 times each day.
When we act on our anger we are saying:
“I count, and what I want matters.”
When we don’t take action we are saying:
“You count, I don’t.”
Ignoring our anger can make us believe
that nobody counts and nothing matters.
BIOLOGY OR PSYCHOLOGY?
Professionals debate whether major depression is biological, psychological, or both.
Everyone agrees that all depression, mild to severe, shows the need for better self-care.
And learning how to take better care of ourselves is the purview of therapy.
HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?
You have probably heard: “We all get depressed sometimes.”
To the extent that this is true,
it is a sad reflection of our guilt-ridden culture,
but it is not a reflection of some biological predisposition toward being depressed.
Any depression is a problem, and regularly occurring depression is a serious problem.
If the suggestions given here do not help, therapy can speed things up considerably.
THE WAY OUT
If you are seldom depressed,
read this section for general ideas on self-improvement.
If you are often depressed,
work your way down the following list one idea at a time.
Spend as much time on each item as you need.
(Even weeks or months if necessary.)
Stay with it until you have completed each task.
(See “What you’ll learn.”)
A SIX STEP METHOD FOR GETTING RID OF DEPRESSION
1) Notice how prevalent anger is.
Just go about your normal day and notice every time you see even the slightest sign of anger in the people around you.
What you’ll learn:
You’ll see that anger is normal and it occurs about 20 times every day.
2) Notice how safe anger can be.
Notice how people use their anger to get what they want, and how seldom they “get in trouble” for it.
What you’ll learn:
You’ll see that some people almost always get angry responses from others when they express their anger, but most people do not. Decide to learn from those who do not.
3) Make a list.
Make a list, on paper, of the best examples you can find of how people around you use their anger effectively. Put an asterisk on the examples you like most. Notice how often these people get what they want when they express their anger.
What you’ll learn:
You’ll show yourself how safe anger can be. You’ll see that everyone has their own unique style of expressing anger, and that some these styles feel right for you to use. You’ll learn that people who express their anger get what they want much more often than people who do not.
4) Identify your own angry spot.
Notice the physical sensation you feel whenever you get angry (“tight shoulder,” “tense stomach,” “pain in the chest,” or whatever). Notice that you get this same sensation every time you are angry – and that it varies from very slight to very strong depending on how angry you are. Get good at noticing even the very slightest sensation of anger.
What you’ll learn:
After accomplishing this task you will always know when you are angry, how strong your anger is, and how much energy you have to deal with each anger-inducing situation.
5) Begin to express your anger more.
Begin to express your anger more and more, based on what you’ve learned about how others express their anger. Notice what happens to your depression.
What you’ll learn:
The more anger you use, the less depressed you will feel.
6) Continue to experiment with expressing your anger.
Focus on the results you get. Compare what actually happens with what you thought would happen. (In other words, compare reality to your scary fantasies.)
What you’ll learn:
Everyone will learn that their scary fantasies are far worse than what happens in real life. Most people will learn that their scary fantasies were based on childhood realities, not on adult realities. Everyone will also learn that they feel a lot better when they use their anger energy (even when they don’t get what they want!).
HOW YOU’LL CHANGE
When you are no longer depressed
you will feel stronger, more energetic, and more enthused.
You will have a renewed interest in all kinds of pleasure.
Daily problems will still be there, but they will bother you much less.
And you will begin to find opportunities where you used to find only problems.
HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL CHANGE
Your relationships will improve immensely,
just because you are less depressed.
Everyone will enjoy being with you more
because of your energy and spontaneity.
The Basics #1:
Your Needs and Wants
YOUR ENERGY AND YOUR FEELINGS
We get our physical energy from taking care of our bodies well
– not perfectly, and not obsessively.
We only need to eat, sleep, and exercise well enough
in order for our feelings to give us
all of the information we require
about our needs and wants,
and all the energy we’ll need to address them.
Feelings are actually energy surges which tell us, very specifically,
what we want or need.
When our feelings are strong enough to grab our attention,
we can be certain that we’ll have sufficient energy to handle things.
YOUR NEEDS
Needs are about survival.
We would die if we didn’t get what we need.
An adult needs the same things an infant needs.
We need: food, air, space, exercise,
temperature control (avoiding being too hot or too cold),
and to eliminate waste efficiently.
We also need attention or “strokes” from each other.
We don’t need anything else!
YOUR NEED FOR ATTENTION OR “STROKES”
A “stroke” is a unit of recognition.
When we receive a stroke we are being noticed by someone.
Infants need strokes to survive.
Adults want strokes so much that getting attention (just being recognized)
is the strongest want we will ever experience in our lives.
FOUR KINDS OF STROKES
| TYPE OF STROKES | THE ATTENTION COMES FROM: | EXAMPLE: |
| Conditional Positive | People who like something you did. | “I like how you did that.” |
| Conditional Negative | People who do not like something you did. | “I don’t like that about you.” |
| Unconditional Positive | People who like the whole you. | “I love you!” |
| Unconditional Negative | People who do not like the whole you. | “You are worthless!” |
Get good at getting and deeply absorbing the first three.
And be sure to powerfully turn down and throw away
all the “Unconditional Negative Strokes” you ever receive!
THE FIRST SIGN OF DISCOMFORT
Some people ignore their needs.
They live in pain and may die from it.
Most of us don’t ignore our needs.
We notice our need but then we wait
while the discomfort turns to pain.
Don’t wait!
Get good at noticing the very first feeling of discomfort!
Avoid emotional problems by taking care of your physical needs
at the first sign of discomfort!
TRIGGERS FOR FEELINGS
Feelings are triggered by reality or fantasy.
(It’s always one or the other, never both.)
REALITY comes to us through our senses.
If we can see it, hear it, taste it, smell it,
or feel it on our skin, then it is real.
FANTASY is all mental activity
– including thoughts, memories, dreams, ideas, etc.
Fantasy doesn’t come TO us,
it comes FROM us
– from our own brains.
If we only think it,
it might be true or it might be false
– but it is not real!
FEELINGS WE CREATE
Feelings that start in our brains
rather than in our senses
are unnecessary and optional,
because they are not real.
If we create painful feelings
we will need to change how we think
in order to feel better.
If we create pleasurable feelings,
that’s great
– as long as we remember we are only imagining.
Sometimes we create feelings which are so strong that
they hide our real feelings from our senses.
When we do this we are out of touch with reality,
and in real danger of making serious mistakes.
The Basics #2:
Your Natural Feelings
THE NATURAL, REAL FEELINGS
Feelings that start in our senses are natural responses to the real world.
When we notice real anger, or sadness, or scare,
we notice that something is wrong in our lives.
When we notice real joy or excitement
we notice that something is right in our lives.
Natural feelings are always trustable.
Learn what they are saying to you.
Use them well.
TYPES OF FEELINGS
There are five natural and necessary feelings:
Sad, Mad, Glad, Scared and Excited.
There are many other unnatural and unnecessary feelings
– and all of them cause problems.
Guilt, shame, and imagined fear
are by far the most common and troublesome of these.
(“The Basics #3” is about these.)
THREE HUGE QUESTIONS THAT AFFECT OUR FEELINGS
When any feeling starts we are immediately faced with three huge questions
– and we tend to automatically answer them in less than a second:
1) Will you admit to yourself what you are feeling?
If you don’t, you’ll feel “out of touch” or “crazy” or uncentered.
2) Will you express the feeling either alone or with someone else?
If you don’t, you are giving up the chance for relief.
3) Will you take action to improve things?
If you don’t, you are giving up the chance to improve your future.
When we are having problems,
we need to slow down this automatic process
so that it takes longer than a second or two.
This will allow us to think through each step
instead of relying on old habits.
THE FIVE NATURAL FEELINGS
Use this information so you will always know what you want and feel.
| THE FEELING: | WHEN YOU FEEL IT: | WHAT TO DO FIRST: | WHAT TO DO NEXT: |
| SADNESS | When you’ve LOST something, or when something important is MISSING from your life. | Feel it through thoroughly, to notice how important the loss was. | Work to replace what you’ve lost or what is missing. |
| ANGER / “MAD” | When there is a BLOCK between you and what you want. | Feel it through thoroughly, to notice how powerful you are. | Work toward getting past the block powerfully, wisely, and safely. |
| FEAR / SCARED | When your EXISTENCE is threatened. | Feel it immediately – in a second or less – and notice the danger. | Tune into your senses (what you see, hear, smell, taste or feel in your body) and protect yourself! |
| EXCITEMENT | When you are ON YOUR WAY to something you want. | Feel it through thoroughly, to notice how good you feel about what’s coming. | Enjoy it for the fun of it! |
| JOY | When You’ve GOT What You Want. | Feel it through thoroughly, so you notice how happy you are and how good you are at getting what you want. | Enjoy it for the fun of it! |
HOW TO FIND EACH FEELING IN YOUR BODY
| 1st | Remember a time when you felt each feeling very strongly. |
| 2nd | Recall what was going on when you felt the feeling so strongly. Remember it in enough detail so that you actually start to feel the feeling again. |
| 3rd | Notice where, in your body, you feel each emotion. (Find your “sad spot,” your “angry spot,” etc.) |
| 4th | Describe what you feel in your body. Use adjectives like tight, weak, empty, heavy, light, etc. |
| 5th | REMEMBER what you learn by doing this. Do this exercise over a few times if needed. |
You will need this information to know
who you are and what you want
and to make every decision you will ever make.
The Basics #3:
Unnatural Feelings
ABOUT GUILT
Since guilt is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy.
GUILT IS A COVER-UP FOR ANGER WHICH LEAVES US FEELING SAD.
We wonder: “Why am I so sluggish and irritable?”
On the surface we feel: SAD or DEPRESSED
We’ve been telling ourselves things like:
“I shouldn’t be angry. I should be understanding.”
“That person didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“I’m too sensitive.”
“I should just take the mistreatment.”
“I don’t deserve better.”
Down deep we feel: ANGRY
Make A Conscious Choice:
Will I admit to myself that I’m angry
or will I keep feeling guilty and be depressed?
BE PROUD OF YOUR ANGER!
It’s there to protect you. Let it do its job!
ABOUT SHAME
Since shame is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy.
SHAME IS A DEEP BELIEF IN OUR OWN WORTHLESSNESS.
IT COMES DIRECTLY FROM BEING SHAMED AS A CHILD.
We wonder: “Why don’t I seem to care what happens to me like other people do?”
On the surface we feel: VERY SAD and “HOPELESS.”
We’ve been telling ourselves things like:
“I’m no good. I just don’t feel worthwhile.”
“I wonder what’s wrong with me, but most of the time I just don’t care.”
“I might as well have a drink (or a drug, or take a big risk).”
Down deep we feel: MOSTLY SAD, BUT FEARFUL AND ANGRY TOO.
Make A Conscious Choice:
Will I keep believing those people who shamed me
or will I treat myself well and be happier?
KNOW THAT ANYONE WHO SHAMED YOU WAS WRONG!
ABOUT IMAGINED FEAR
Since imagined fear is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy.
IMAGINED FEAR IS A FEELING WE CREATE
TO COVER DEEPER FEELINGS WHICH BOTHER US MORE.
We wonder: “Why am I so afraid?”
” Why do I always ask: ‘What if?'”
“Why don’t I stop scaring myself?”
On the surface we feel: FEAR
We’ve been telling ourselves:
“I hate being afraid.”
“I wish I could do what other people do, and not be afraid.”
“I wish I’d stop thinking about every single bad thing that could happen.”
Down deep we feel: USUALLY SAD. SOMETIMES SHAME (See “Shame.”)
Make A Conscious Choice:
Will I always feel scared
or will I face and overcome my deeper bad feelings?
FACE WHAT YOU FEEL THAT BOTHERS YOU MORE!
You will get past the deeper feelings. But creating fear can last forever!
ALL OTHER CREATED FEELINGS THAT FEEL BAD
It is possible to create any feeling – and any created feeling that feels bad
will block and waste our energy.
All imagined feelings are habitual feelings we create
to cover deeper, real feelings that bother us more.
We wonder:
“Why do I keep feeling this same feeling all the time,
even when I know it’s not necessary?”
On the surface we feel: THE CREATED FEELING.
We’ve been telling ourselves: “I hate feeling this all the time.”
“I wish I’d feel and do a wider range of things like other people do.”
“Why can’t I stop making myself feel this way.”
Down deep we feel:
REAL FEELINGS THAT SEEM TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.
Make A Conscious Choice:
Will I keep feeling this way
or will I face and overcome the deeper bad feelings?
YOU CAN OVERCOME THE DEEPER FEELINGS ALONE OR WITH HELP
BUT THE HABITUAL FEELING YOU ARE CREATING COULD GO ON FOREVER!
Face the feelings that bother you more!
Stop covering them with your “favorite” bad feeling!
These three topics (“The Basics”)
contain the most important information I have for you.
I originally wrote “The Basics” around 1985 in a different format
and I have given it to everyone in my family, all my clients, and many of my friends.
I refer to these concepts many times every day in my work with others
and in dealing with my own dilemmas.
I sincerely hope you will keep this information readily available
and use it frequently.
Use it whenever you feel stuck in bad feelings,
when you want to feel more joy and excitement,
and when you feel the healthy urge to look inward.
I WISH YOU THE RICHEST, HEALTHIEST, HAPPIEST LIFE YOU CAN ARRANGE